Inherent, Unconditional Worthiness
Do you ever feel like you're never quite enough? Like there's an invisible scorecard tracking your achievements, appearance, and approval from others, and that you're constantly falling short? You're not alone in this pursuit of “good enough.” And what’s more confusing; you're chasing something you already possess.
The Essential Self as untouchable: a quick story.
Picture a new car with clear, powerful headlights. The lights are bright and steady, making the road easy to see. Ten years later, the bulbs still work, but the lights enclosure has gone cloudy. The light looks dimmer, so it’s easy to assume the bulb is weaker.
Is the light bulb receiving less power? No. The cover just needs a polish.
Your core self is that bulb. And this core self has always been strong and steady. What happens is that life experiences add the “haze.” This comes in the form of painful experiences resulting in a sense of rejection, a need to not do anything wrong, and constant competition and/or comparison with others. The light can seem to be dim from the outside, and somehow, at some point, we start to believe that we are the dimness.
This article’s goal is to help you start pulling apart all those conditional attributes from who you truly are.
The Five Laws of Worthiness
These five laws are a framework for remembering your core, essential self. As you read, expect some protective parts that learned to survive through approval, performance, or control to push back within you. I invite you to meet their resistance with curiosity, compassion and patience.
1) Worthiness is infinite, eternal, internal and unconditional
Infinite: There’s no way to measure or add to it.
Eternal: It doesn’t expire and goes on for forever more.
Internal: It’s always been protected; never outside of you.
Unconditional: No event, attribute or judgement is connected to it.
In short, it’s boundless and safe from any and all threat. These are universal truths and no thought, feeling or behavior can jeopardize them.
2) Equity of Worthiness
Skills, roles and attributes can be better or lessor than other people’s. If my worthiness is connected to these traits, then I’m required to hustle for my worthiness. But it’s not, as all of us have equal worth. We’re born with the same amount. We live through our entire life with that same amount as others. We die with that same amount of (which is still infinite and eternal).
If you’re having a hard time surrendering to this, I’d ask you to identify the one who is struggling to release the opinions of worthiness being tied to proficiency and competence…and which age did these belief originate. This should honor the part of you still trying to guard against _______.
3) Worthiness can’t be performed, but we’re taught to try
When we’re uncertain about our value, we usually reach for two levers:
Conflating Worthiness with finance: If I have more money or things that convey my access to money, I’ll feel secure, having others know I’m wealthy enough.
Conflating worthiness with Social Influence: If I look happy, productive, or desirable, I’ll be safe. If I acquire and sustain a following, I’ll be important (worthy of praise, recognition…love).
There’s nothing wrong with success or being seen. The problem is when we treat them like a proof of worth. That turns life into a hustle to outrun rejection, sadness, or the feeling of “not enough.”
4) Your worth is Never in Jeopardy (even if someone rejects you)
Breakups, ghosting, layoffs, personal improvement plans (PIPs), or silence…none of these have access to your inherent, unconditional self. They can hurt deeply, of course. Every sensed rejection is an echo of our parents perceived dissapointment. These experiences can tempt the brain to invent stories: “If they leave, I must have been less.”
5) Worth Can’t be Earned. It can only be acknowledged, accepted and appreciated.
You can’t hustle your way into “more” of something that’s already infinite. The work is enabling your system to trust what’s already true.
Why We Doubt What’s True
Most of us learned early that connection had conditions. We stayed “safe” by being agreeable, useful, high-achieving, low-needs, funny, quiet…whatever was required from us before we were able to give it. That over-performing worked in the short-term. In the long-term however, it misunderstood performance as permission to exist.
Here’s the paradox: the parts of us that fight for status, perfection, or approval are trying to protect us from shame and loss. Our growth work is to honor their effort by retraining our whole system into a safer way of operating…one that is both age and context appropriate.
What Relief Starts to Look Like
You notice the old “if-then” thought, and don’t obey it but rather witness it as a passing expereince.
You simply rest because you need rest and not because you’ve earned it.
You feel the ups and downs without considering them to be saying anything about you.
You handle feedback as information or opinion rather than a statement of you.
You expect to be liked and respected in relationships with which you choose to invest, offering the same in return. Not from force, but from shared values.
When You’re Ready for Support in Integrating This
This isn’t a solo work. In therapy, we’ll explore where worthiness became conditional, meet the protective parts that hustle for safety, and practice tiny, body-based resets so your system can start to trust what’s always been true.
How we work:
Trauma-Informed Parts Work: Meet the inner-protective parts with care and curiosity so that they don’t feel forced to run your life.
Attachment-focused: Practice safer, clearer connection, both internally and with others.
Nervous System: Help your body feel safe enough so that change can stick.
Next Steps
If this brought even a small softening to your chest, know that you are our people. We’ve made it our life’s work to help relieve these pain points.
Book your free 30-minute consultation.
Services are held in-person in Redlands, or via secure telehealth across California. You don’t have to tell your whole story. Just enough for us to decide the next right step together.
Remember, you were never the haze. You were always the light.