When Grief Isn't Getting Lighter
Complex and ambiguous grief counseling in Redlands, CA
People keep telling you it should be easier by now. Months have passed, maybe years, and the loss still feels as close as the morning it happened. Or maybe the person you are grieving is still here, present in body but no longer the person you knew. Either way, you may have started to wonder if something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you. Some losses are simply heavier, and some never offer a clear ending.
A free 30-minute call with Julianne, with no pressure to continue.
What it can feel like
The loss feels as raw today as it did at the start
You replay the last days or the last conversation, searching for what you could have done differently
You avoid photos, places, or people that remind you, or you cannot stop seeking them out
A good day brings guilt, as if feeling better means you are leaving them behind
Everyone else seems to have moved on, and you feel left behind with it
Life has gone flat, as though part of you went with them
When grief gets complicated
Some losses land harder than others. A sudden death, a suicide, an overdose, an accident, or the death of a child can leave the mind trying to make sense of something that does not make sense. Grief and trauma tangle together, and the moment of loss can crowd out every other memory of the person.
Clinicians call this complicated grief, or prolonged grief when it stays this intense for a year or more and makes daily life hard to manage. Those names are not a judgment. They simply mean your grief has gotten stuck, and that it responds to care.
Ambiguous grief: losses without an ending
Some grief has no funeral. Researcher Pauline Boss named this ambiguous loss: grief for someone who is here and not here at the same time.
It can look like a parent who is physically present but lost to dementia, or a partner or child lost to addiction or illness. It can also look like the reverse: someone who is still alive but gone from your life, through estrangement or a relationship that ended without explanation. These losses rarely come with rituals, cards, or meals at the door. Because nothing is finished, the grief has nowhere to settle, and it can feel frozen in place.
How we work with it
We go at your pace. You never have to tell the whole story in one sitting. Together, we gently untangle the trauma from the grief, so the moment of loss stops standing in for the whole person and their life.
We also pay attention to your body, where so much of grief is held, and practice real skills for meeting each wave as it rises. If you are grieving someone who is still living, we make room for both truths at once: the love that remains and the loss that keeps unfolding. The goal is never to let go. It is to find a way to carry them, and yourself, forward.
What can change
The waves still come, but further apart, and you trust that they pass
You can remember the whole person, not only how it ended
A good day can simply be a good day, without guilt
You can hold love and loss together for someone still here
You find your way back to people and to parts of life you set down
How we work with it
We go at your pace. You never have to tell the whole story in one sitting. Together, we gently untangle the trauma from the grief, so the moment of loss stops standing in for the whole person and their life.
We also pay attention to your body, where so much of grief is held, and practice real skills for meeting each wave as it rises. If you are grieving someone who is still living, we make room for both truths at once: the love that remains and the loss that keeps unfolding. The goal is never to let go. It is to find a way to carry them, and yourself, forward.
Questions people ask
Why does my grief feel worse instead of better?
Grief does not move in a straight line, and the numbness that protects many people early on often wears off after the first months. Anniversaries, holidays, and quiet seasons can stir it again. If your grief keeps growing heavier or has stayed this intense for a long time, it may have become complicated, and that is a reason to reach out, not a failure.
How do you grieve someone who is still alive?
You start by letting it count. Grieving someone with dementia, addiction, or an estrangement is real grief, even though the world rarely names it. In therapy, we give that grief a place to be felt, and we look for ways to hold onto what remains while honoring what is already lost.
Your next step
If you have been carrying a grief that will not loosen, or one no one else seems to see, you do not have to sort it out alone. As a therapist who focuses on grief, I would be glad to meet with you. It would be an honor to hear your story.
If you are thinking about ending your life, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time.